Self-awareness is like great sex…
If you want to set goals that light you up, add value to the world, show up better at work, be more confident, connect with others, make better decisions or be a better leader. You may want to focus less on self-improvement and more on self-awareness.
This quote from Mark Manson pretty much sums it up
Self-awareness is like great sex. Everyone thinks they have tons of it, but in reality, no one knows what they are doing.
It's very easy to believe you are self-aware even when you're not. One of the main reasons for this is that there are two sides to self-awareness. Often, we develop one side and don't focus enough on the other.
Inner self-awareness – How clearly, we see our values, passions, aspirations, fit with our environment, and reactions (thoughts, feelings, behaviours, strengths, weaknesses etc.)
External self-awareness – How well we understand others’ views of us (regarding the above factors). Research suggests that people who are aware of how people see them are more likely to be inclusive and empathetic to people with different perspectives.
Daniel Goldman (godfather of emotional intelligence) suggests we need the following competencies to improve our self-awareness
Emotional awareness – The ability to recognise your emotions and the effects they have on yourself and others
Accurate self-assessment – seeing your strengths and limitations from an unbiased point of view
Confidence/Self-belief – The robust and resilient kind that isn't easily shaken by external events
You can improve each of these competencies by asking yourself the right questions.
Are you as curious to learn about yourself as you are to get to know others?
Here are some targeted questions to help you reflect on these areas.
You have one set of questions for emotional awareness, one for accurate self-assessment and one for self-belief.
Emotional awareness
1. Who are you most jealous of, and why?
2. How do you handle difficult but necessary conversations?
3. What feelings do you typically experience after waking up and before you go to bed?
4. Are your actions guided mainly by love or fear?
5. Do the people you surround yourself with mostly lift you or bring you down?
6. Is there anyone you need to forgive?
7. What do you mainly think about when you can't sleep at night?
8. What do you need more or less of to feel less anxious about your relationships?
9. What do I do to take care of myself physically?
10. If my body could talk, what would it say?
Accurate self-assessment
1. What tasks and responsibilities do people at work trust you with?
2. In what ways are you contributing to your family, friends, workplace and community?
3. What are you most likely wrong about?
4. What do you love about yourself?
5. What do people typically ask for when they come to you for help?
6. What am I taking anything for granted?
7. What am I doing about the things that matter most in my life?
8. When did I last push the boundaries of my comfort zone?
9. What's the one thing I'd like others to remember about me at the end of my life?
10. The words I like to live by are?
Confidence / Self-belief
1. What compliment do I like to hear the most and why?
2. If success was guaranteed, what one thing would I do?
3. What would I say if I could advise my younger self?
4. What accomplishments am I most proud of?
5. What do I wish others knew about me?
6. When was the last time I surprised myself?
7. What causes me to tell myself a story that I'm not enough?
8. What happened to make me fear speaking up?
9. When it is all said and done, what will I have said more than I've done?
10. To what degree have I taken control of my life and career?
How can you take self-awareness to the next level?
Record your responses as a voice message – This allows you to say your answers out loud without the pressure of communicating them to others. In addition, listening to yourself speaking truthfully about your insight can be revealing.
Journal about it – Seeing your responses in black and white gives you a clearer picture of your needs and deeper insight into your desires – certainly more so than a jumble of thoughts knocking around in your head.
Speak with a coach or therapist – Speaking with a trained third party can often shine a light on something you cannot yet see.
A more rounded view of self-awareness comes from improving our perspective on how others view us, and for that, you will need to put your brave pants on and ask others what they think.
Talking to others – When you voice your responses to someone else, you get a new dimension of self-awareness. It's not just about what you say but how you say it. For example, do you feel nervous, insecure, or proud of what you say? Are you anticipating or changing what you say because you are considering their reaction?
Alternatively, you could ask key people how they perceive you in certain situations. Again, getting specific will help you get the most effective feedback. You may even want to ask them how they would like to see you behave instead.
If you're not ready to speak to others directly, you may prefer to write down your answers and email them to a trusted friend, family member or work colleague and ask for feedback.
In your quest for self-awareness, you are trying to uncover which things about yourself could be advantageous and which could be harmful.
When you know what those things are, act on them. Focus on the good stuff and start accepting or removing as many harmful things as possible. You may also find that in doing so, you’ll become a little more accepting of and focused on the good in others.
That's it. That's knowing yourself.
It can be difficult because you must be honest and take responsibility for yourself. But, unfortunately, most of us prefer to bury our head in the sand or blame circumstances because the alternative feels a bit scary. Still, I've found that my life and career have massively improved since practising self-awareness.
Knowing yourself makes living easier.